Charlie's Thoughts

So the other night I was walking home from YDN at 3AM, and I thought to myself. "Yale is a very dangerous place". It's a rough world we live in, and I've noticed a few security measures that seem "lax" here. So I'm proposing a few security measures to ensure that students are safe at Yale. Details after the jump...

Follow up:

First, Silliman is especially vulnerable to invasion / zombie attack. There are four main entrances, all of which are gates, and almost all of which have residences above them. Given that these rooms are especially desirable, I believe that adding some responsibility for these residents is reasonable. Therefore, I'm proposing that a hot water heater is installed in all rooms above college entrances. Furthermore, I propose that a spout be attached to these and that they be filled with oil. Hot oil is a crucial first line of defense during any castle invasion (and as any resident will tell you, we do live in castles). Given the strategic positioning of these rooms, I believe that this would help thin out a potential pileup at the entrance gates.

Secondly, a close examination of the architectural design of many Yale colleges reveals shockingly inefficient defense measures. In addition, there is no reason that the college gates should be the first line of defense. Therefore I propose the following changes: The bridges to the gates of colleges shall be removed and replace with drawbridges. This is easy enough, and allows for a more physical and immediate barrier than keycards (Any potential invader can obtain a keycard).

However, these bridges are ineffective as people can simply walk over the mulch moats and climb up. Therefore, I propose that the moats be filled with all the water used to cook all the pasta in the dining hall. Each dining hall prepares over 100 lbs of pasta per day, which obviously equates to about 500 gallons of water per day. If we simply dumped all this into the moats, we could fill them in roughly one year.

Some would argue that a year is too long to delay these urgent security measures; however, this shall coincide with the training period for the sharks. The sharks shall be specially trained from birth, and the sharks shall have a home “feeding station” every other entryway. While this shall be their home base, the one entryway gap allows two sharks to wander into the gap in the event that foreign “food” wanders there. In the event the gap is too large, or the sharks have recently eaten, then the lasers attached to their backs shall be sufficient to deter intruders. Again, the “orientation period” for acquainting the sharks with their lasers shall coincide with the moat filling period.

These simple measures would provide for a much greater level of security which is crucial to students’ feelings of safety. This heightened sense of security will allows students to spend more time focusing on their studies. The relatively low budget of this project should also make it very appealing to the administration. Finally, one of the most prominent groups on campus, the VQ, has spearheaded this effort with a truly epic slogan indicative of not only the proposal, but the times we live in as well, “Safety first, but fun before that!”

Friggin Lasers.